Revival

Wake up now, this is the time you’ve waited for

Today is what I habitually call a gloomy day, where the clouds somehow disallowing the sun to warm up the shivering souls. Even though I do my daily routines like I normally did; eat breakfast, take a shower, go to school, study and go to the gym in the evening, I sense something different. Something uncanny. I feel like this morning I have woken up becoming someone else. The consciousness itself is euphoric and enchanting. I am not certain if this is ignited by a book I currently read or the old songs from my childhood which I listen to every night as my lullabies. But I am tremendously convinced with this sensation. I feel like I can withhold any life crisis ahead, and withstand any obstacles inside the thorny woods. One simple sentence to elucidate: I have become comfortably numb.

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Out of Place

The Outsider by Albert Camus

“Guess what? I just had my first kiss with my boyfriend.”

Shrieking, squealing and rejoicing hysterically. Choose whichever you will. The rest of the girls were jumping in tumultuous motion. Interrogating her elaborately. Since she just started dating for one month. Except one, however.

“Our last weekend date was so romantic! He made me sweet blueberry pancakes for our breakfast.”

For once again, and then another one. Their rookery muted my lips. Not because of what you call jealousy. Not even a tiny shred. Utterly out of words since I do not have any story to catch up with them. Left me grinning awkwardly.

“Oh my, oh my. You guys are so yesterday. Been doing that for years already.”

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I Am Weary

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I am tired of false hopes

I am tired of harvesting dormant trees

I am tired of chasing my phony daydream

I am tired of being an obedient Frankenstein

I am tired of trying so hard to please everybody

I am tired of losing something I cherished the most

 

I am sick of my faux smiles

I am sick of acting so hard

I am sick of being such a fool

I am sick of being an overthinking bitch

I am sick of having too high expectations of people

I am sick of waiting for a train that will take me to Atlantis

 

I had enough being played

I had enough with dumb failures

I had enough with striking misfortunes

I had enough hoping that the sun might turn green

I had enough with forfeiting my own happiness for others’ sake

I had enough with heartbreaks, crushing my limbs and vital organs

 

I am just…weary playing this stupid part of the game, but, I think it is the time to give everything up.

A Contemplation (2/2)

Part II: Life After Graduation

Read Part I here.

Bright Colour for Bright Future (source: ezradaniels.com)
Bright Colours for Bright Future (source: ezradaniels.com)
My Dream to Become a Career Woman

The idea and motivation of studying and then continue to get a job abroad were encouraged by my uncle. He acquired a scholarship for his Master Degree in Osaka, Japan, with Japanese as the intermediate language. He is really smart at the point where he only attended 6-months Japanese language class. He continued his studies for his Ph.D. degree and then moved to Tokyo. He has built his own family and works as a Researcher now. I admit that I really awed him, awed the tiniest bit of his ‘survival skill’. In addition for me, I have those family problems. This might have answered why.

Lately, I have been worried and overthink about starting a career in a foreign country. I mean, I absolutely can not, should not and unable to go home. I have to build a better life for myself. I never limit my possibility to move to another country, it is always an option, especially English-speaking countries. During my internship days, I have strived to do my job perfectly. Even during the most difficult part, I tried to self-support myself, even though I know my Supervisor is exceptionally kind and appreciated my work. Currently, I am learning and practicing my Dutch, thinking that it may enhance the possibility of getting a job here.

Life Partner 

But I can still remember in that cold November,
when I realized I’m all alone

In my old posts, I did write about my assumption of being asexual and don’t want to ever get married. But of course, I am not, I wrote that merely to ease my heart a bit after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. It is a common sense that I need someone who will accompany my life because I am merely a mortal human, I will not be strong and healthy forever. I will need somebody to take care of me during my old days, and I’m striving to build a better family. I did write about someone who I genuinely have feelings for in this post.

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A Contemplation (1/2)

Don’t grow up, it’s  a trap.

Have you ever had such a day?

The day when you discovered that your family doesn’t genuinely cares about you

The day when your friends left you, busy with their beloved ones

The day when you are not yet ready living an absolute independent life

Contemplation.
Contemplation (taken at Zaandijk)

The festive season has ended, another two-thousand-and-teens has passed, and the new year means setting new plans for my future ahead. 2016 had disenchanted me with even more about life after graduation, life partner (I mean, spouse) and family issues. Lately, they have been occupying my thoughts and disturbed my sleep.

I have always striving to be fully prepared in encountering the future ever since high school, and that’s what made me today; a runaway brat. Because to be honest, I often felt uncomfortable at home.

Part I: My Semi-Crippled Family

My Mom Broke My Self-Esteem

I know that she’s the one that always been motivating and supporting me to become a career woman, just like her. But if it’s in exchange for my self-esteem loss, I don’t think my patience can bear it any longer. Some of her attitude and habits really does reflect from my Grandmother, even though (to be honest) some points are worse. She is (nearly) always complaining about ‘paying the bills’, nagging, scolding as if I am always wrong, stressing out her work, and easily offended. Yes, she is quick-tempered. She has always been a dictator of my life, setting strict rules and I must obey them. I must be perfect according to her standards, including my grades, my body weight, and my fashion style.

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