Wake up now, this is the time you’ve waited for
Today is what I habitually call a gloomy day, where the clouds somehow disallowing the sun to warm up the shivering souls. Even though I do my daily routines like I normally did; eat breakfast, take a shower, go to school, study and go to the gym in the evening, I sense something different. Something uncanny. I feel like this morning I have woken up becoming someone else. The consciousness itself is euphoric and enchanting. I am not certain if this is ignited by a book I currently read or the old songs from my childhood which I listen to every night as my lullabies. But I am tremendously convinced with this sensation. I feel like I can withhold any life crisis ahead, and withstand any obstacles inside the thorny woods. One simple sentence to elucidate: I have become comfortably numb.
On the other hand, perhaps, merely because I have engulfed the prickly rice ball, wholly. Recapitulating my aforementioned life problems; self-centered and opportunistic friends (thank effin’ goodness not everyone), loneliness, another heartbreak, school-related problems and ruthless mother. I have swallowed them all, at last. Say, simply fuck it, that is life.
It is simple, I yearn for happiness, and I must stop rupturing my self-esteem. More like, reconstruct a brand-new one. Compathy is bliss, but, that is not how it works. Since I have been disenchanted not to knot it up to people or things, goals is the answer. I have life goals and purposes, I always do. A career woman is an answer I told almost every acquaintance, friends and family. Making my mother proud is the life purpose I keep for myself, because I meant every word. Yesterday was simply faded a little bit, strikethrough that twice, neglected for awhile.
Pondering about the recent heartbreak, truth is, I cannot be more disappointed than I am right now. Not with him, mind you, I feel disappointed with myself. I fall in love with the wrong man, again, for the third time. The irony, you see. Hilarious thing is that their names all start with A, regardless the totally different personalities, mind, and physical appearances they possess. The first one was a persuasive yet manipulative prince charming. The second one was an utter douchebag yet erratic brat. The third one is, however, ironically my dearest best friend whom I see no flaw within him. Truth is, he is the closest man I have ever befriended with. The man who knows both my strengths and flaws to the fullest, I reckon. The reason why I am willing to share my thoughts and secrets, to begin with. Believed that we share the most genuine chemistry. Well, since reality is a bitch for an utter one-sided love, enough said.
Weight loss program, again. I start counting calories assertively like I used to. It does feel different since I have not done this for awhile, two years precisely. I eat absolutely clean on mornings and go to the gym in the evening at least for three or four times a week. Simply because I feel refreshed, both body and brain. I found happiness as the scale digits drop down and clothes got bigger. I decide to be (a bit of) anorexic again, I do not care what others might think.
In terms of loneliness, despite I am an introverted person I still felt that at certain times. On the same time, it is easier for me as well to overcome such problem. I decide to explore more places since I am fond of traveling. Solely within The Netherlands boundary, since I am on a budget after my internship period has ended. Not to overlook, read more books, augmenting on the non-fiction ones. You may find me loitering at the bookstore by the desolated street in the city I live.
Thus, here I am. Feeling a bit exhausted yet reinvigorated after working out, and lying on my cozy crib. Grinning serenely on the inside out, feeling assured on the outside.
What I am trying to say is, I feel grateful enough that I have put back my feet inside my shoes, continue walking on this long and winding road.
Lyrics are from Cul-De-Sac by Genesis.
Illustration by Derek Kocurek, Revival.