Letter No. 2: Dying. Between half-dead or half-alive.

Everything that I want
I want from you
But I just can’t have you
Everything that I need
I need from you
But I just can’t have you

0040 hours

Dear friend,

Have you ever experienced as if the Grim Reaper is right in front of you and he took your soul for a moment then gave it back? This week I encountered near-death experience, after awhile. This time was the worst I admit. I had this severe headache as early as 0440 hours and so I went to the toilet. Been suffering diarrhea for the past three weeks, you see. Then I walked to the bathroom to wash my face when I was attacked by an abrupt and unstoppable nosebleed. Recently I often have nosebleeds, but, this morning was pretty hard to terminate. Due to my dismay, I wiped my blood with my pyjama top which kept on running down. Then, I vividly felt this relentless ache on my chest coincided with sudden asphyxiation and dizziness. I was tumbled down and leaned against the wall. I cannot take any breath. My eyesight faded as everything went blank. When I woke up or presumably woken up, my pyjama was dyed with my own blood. As well as my chin and mouth. The blood from my nose is dried already. It was 0517 hours.

Truth is, my depression is getting worse each day and it is not like I never strive to search the most potent antidote. I am dying to find one, desperately. Mind the redundant repetition. Again, for the hundredth time, no one knows about this except my better half. My trust issue for other people grows even bigger as I kept a huge distance from the throngs.  As my ‘antisocial disease’ is back. I am that scared when they judge me in an unwanted way. The fear is killing me inside.

Truth is, it is all ignited by the heartbreak that happened to me. Yes, that guy that I like since the first day I entered high school. That guy who is also my best friend. Or was. You see my friend, I have already accepted the fact that this is an absolute one-sided love. I know that he cannot have feelings for me even within the next thousand years. But you know, the pain is still here. My heart is swollen, bleeding, bruised, pierced, crushed, and mutilated at the same fucking time. It hurts so much that I am out of words to elucidate it properly. The more I stalk him through my phone screen, the more it tortures myself. I cannot tell anyone close and I must act every fucking second feigning that everything is alright. Since I am a professional at faking my happiness, no one knows and I am truly glad of that. I feel sorry for lying but, I do not have any choice. I tremendously cannot let anybody found out about this.

Somehow I often wondering that he must have already a woman on his mind. I bet she is a perfect one, unmistakably. Again, thinking about futile shit like this keeps on killing me inside.

My friend, I often pondering. Why the hell nearly everybody that I care, cherish and love the most ended up disappointed me and inevitably left me. Or the other way around for both sakes. Say, 70% of them. Those people are the ones that have received my sacrifice, mostly. What is wrong with me? What should I do then? Am I not kind enough? Not understanding enough? Not smart enough? What is that not good enough from me? Not thin, beautiful and attractive enough? I bet that is the fucking reason.

My friend, I cry again. In clandestine of course. And again, for another time I somewhat wish that you are real and able to reply my letters without ever judging me in an unwanted way.

Good night, my friend.

Lyrics are from Stray Heart by Green Day.


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