The Bad Dream Comes Back

Warning: Another shitty, crappy yet sorrowful content here. Just please refrain from reading it for your own sake.

I think what I find strange is the way you built me up
Then knocked me down again.
The part was fun but now it’s over,
Why can’t I just leave the stage?
Maybe that’s because you securely locked me up
Then threw away the key.

0220 hours

The bad dream is back. The bad dream that I have buried deeply. The bad dream that I thought would never happen again. I cannot remember how many nights I have been crying. I cannot remember how many times I have been continuously crying in my bad dreams. I cannot recall how many times I have been loathing myself for being such a destroyed bitch like this.

I can feel my upper cheeks swollen because of the accumulated dried tears. I can feel my heart ache so much, so much that I cannot bear it any further. I walk to the mirror. I see a repugnant reflection. Her eyes are red. She has stopped crying simply because she is running out of tears. Yes, her tear glands went dormant.

Indeed, the bad dream is back.

The worst bad dream comes back.

A dream about heartbreak.

A dream about one-sided love to be more precise.

It happens again.

It truly does happen again. For the third time, ironically.

The same bad dream from five years ago. They frequently woke me up at midnights, disturbing my sleep.

I do aware that life has ups and downs period, just like a roller coaster. I am trapped at the bottomost part of that roller coaster ride, subdued with sorrow. Currently motionless.

I just cannot control my emotions and sadness. I just feel so sad. Because in love is one of my biggest weakness.

You would never know and could never understand.

Even if you know, I am afraid that you would judge me in a bad way somehow.

It is never been your fault. I never put you the one to blame. Never, since you are always perfect in my eyes. It is all mine. Purely my fault. I have been saving my love for you too long. Too goddamn long. I am not supposed to have such feelings for you in the first place. It is just stupid, pointless and hopeless. I keep on hoping, praying, wishing that you would grow feelings for me one day, waiting for the word I love you too uttered from between your lips. Daydreaming about the day you actually ask me to be your girlfriend.

Just simply forget all those ridiculous efforts of mine, since it is impossible anyway. Too impossible to occur even within a thousand years.

I know you do not need me. I know you never need me. I know you do not miss me. I know you never miss me. It is me who needs you. It is me who misses you. It is only me who always feels lonely without your presence, regardless physical or metaphysical. It is purely my daydream who says so, who thinks so. I am solely a creep to you. I am nothing to you. You have people out there who love you, who need you.

Unlike me.

I am merely an obnoxious brat. An uncanny one to top that off.

I suck.

It is poignant when my favourite sad songs are actually kind of happening to me.

In the end, all I did was merely imposing the impossible things to occur. The past five years have been utterly futile. Yet I have been questioning myself why do I have such feelings for you this sincere and unconditional. 

I just do not know why.

I find myself trapped in another cul-de-sac of love, again. I sense no way out, yet I must find one.

I do not know.

I feel so lost.

I feel so goddamn lost.


Pondering about A.P.

Lyrics from Many Too Many by Genesis


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