A Contemplation (2/2)

Part II: Life After Graduation

Read Part I here.

Bright Colour for Bright Future (source: ezradaniels.com)
Bright Colours for Bright Future (source: ezradaniels.com)
My Dream to Become a Career Woman

The idea and motivation of studying and then continue to get a job abroad were encouraged by my uncle. He acquired a scholarship for his Master Degree in Osaka, Japan, with Japanese as the intermediate language. He is really smart at the point where he only attended 6-months Japanese language class. He continued his studies for his Ph.D. degree and then moved to Tokyo. He has built his own family and works as a Researcher now. I admit that I really awed him, awed the tiniest bit of his ‘survival skill’. In addition for me, I have those family problems. This might have answered why.

Lately, I have been worried and overthink about starting a career in a foreign country. I mean, I absolutely can not, should not and unable to go home. I have to build a better life for myself. I never limit my possibility to move to another country, it is always an option, especially English-speaking countries. During my internship days, I have strived to do my job perfectly. Even during the most difficult part, I tried to self-support myself, even though I know my Supervisor is exceptionally kind and appreciated my work. Currently, I am learning and practicing my Dutch, thinking that it may enhance the possibility of getting a job here.

Life Partner 

But I can still remember in that cold November,
when I realized I’m all alone

In my old posts, I did write about my assumption of being asexual and don’t want to ever get married. But of course, I am not, I wrote that merely to ease my heart a bit after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. It is a common sense that I need someone who will accompany my life because I am merely a mortal human, I will not be strong and healthy forever. I will need somebody to take care of me during my old days, and I’m striving to build a better family. I did write about someone who I genuinely have feelings for in this post.

One by one, eventually, my friends have found their beloved one. And here I am, (feeling) left alone. I do not mean that want to rush things out, I know that I am that selective and taking seriously on a relationship, in order to find the most compatible husband. But sometimes, it’s just lonely, and I don’t think loneliness is a sin, lol.

Regarding that ‘someone’, serendipitously, he is now temporarily studying (he is having an exchange program) in a country next to The Netherlands. To be honest, I have been looking forward to his current exchange period, ever since he first told me. I know my feelings for him haven’t changed, even we have been separated for years. After our reunion on last Christmas, my feeling got even stronger. I feel that our chemistry and strong and I think we are compatible for each other, and that’s what I have been anxious and overthink about. I haven’t been attracted to someone else because apart from ‘no one that I think is special enough’ and I used to be very busy with school, I’m not having other gloomy broken-hearted days. Yes, I don’t know his feelings for me, that is what I am anxious about. I am really afraid knowing his feelings for me, I am really afraid if he does not feel the same as I do…for the past years.

On the other hand, knowing that I have problems with my parents aggravate my anxiousness. Is there really a guy out there that is willing to accept my whole condition?

Oh man, I feel like crying after I wrote this post.

Amidst everything that I have been through, I am always striving to be a loving and kind-hearted woman.


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