A Contemplation (1/2)

Don’t grow up, it’s  a trap.

Have you ever had such a day?

The day when you discovered that your family doesn’t genuinely cares about you

The day when your friends left you, busy with their beloved ones

The day when you are not yet ready living an absolute independent life

Contemplation.
Contemplation (taken at Zaandijk)

The festive season has ended, another two-thousand-and-teens has passed, and the new year means setting new plans for my future ahead. 2016 had disenchanted me with even more about life after graduation, life partner (I mean, spouse) and family issues. Lately, they have been occupying my thoughts and disturbed my sleep.

I have always striving to be fully prepared in encountering the future ever since high school, and that’s what made me today; a runaway brat. Because to be honest, I often felt uncomfortable at home.

Part I: My Semi-Crippled Family

My Mom Broke My Self-Esteem

I know that she’s the one that always been motivating and supporting me to become a career woman, just like her. But if it’s in exchange for my self-esteem loss, I don’t think my patience can bear it any longer. Some of her attitude and habits really does reflect from my Grandmother, even though (to be honest) some points are worse. She is (nearly) always complaining about ‘paying the bills’, nagging, scolding as if I am always wrong, stressing out her work, and easily offended. Yes, she is quick-tempered. She has always been a dictator of my life, setting strict rules and I must obey them. I must be perfect according to her standards, including my grades, my body weight, and my fashion style.

Dated back to my elementary school days, since straight As is a must, my mom sent me to cram schools to the point that I had lost a lot of my playing time. She also forbids me to sleepover at my friend’s house (note: they are all girls, duh). My mom habituated me to study and work hard. As I entered high school, she didn’t like my body weight, she said I am way too fat. So then, she accompanied me to a nutritionist, I obeyed the weight-loss diet program to the point that I became anorexic afterward. She often said my fashion style was terrible, but she was mostly reluctant in buying me new clothes. There are times when she forbid me having a boyfriend, giving a very unfriendly attitude, but thank goodness, she promised me that is not the case anymore. She’s looking forward to me having a boyfriend. Maybe these reasons have answered why I often spent my holiday with my aunt who lives in Bandung.

I even think that maybe she really wants her daughter having no life.

Above all of those which I still bearable for me, things that I hate the most are her quick-tempered character and everything related to money. It’s not that our economic condition is bad, our family is endowed with prosperity. It is because she’s parsimonious. I really hate it when she is complaining about my tuition fees, shouting at me that I am ungrateful. Hey, I thought, paying your child’s tuition is one of the parent’s responsibility? If I’m ungrateful, I would not be so persistent in achieving my dreams by working hard and striving to do my best. If I’m not thankful, I will go to parties and smoke weed everyday instead. This is the reason why I’m striving to get a job and be independent immediately…away from home, which is of course not easy.

You know mom, I have always been tried my best to make you proud and happy. If there only someone could convey this to her.

My Dad Broke My Heart

He has broken my heart and disappointed me for countless of time. He’s the source of (nearly) every tiniest rage of my mom. The worse fact about the problems I have with my dad is because it’s endless. Knowing the fact that he even refused to pay bills when my mom gave birth to me and my sister, was my initial disappointment. Then I discovered that it is my mom who underwrote our primary costs of living; my tuition fees, tax payments…and she is even the one who bought the estate and built the house. Every year during the summer holiday, it is like our ‘family tradition’ to spend the holiday abroad, and it was my mom who was paying for all of us. Regarding my studies, he never really cared the achievements I made.

Amidst all disappointments, one thing that ached my heart so much and nearly destroyed it is his abusive character. The memory is still vivid. The very first time I saw this side of him was one terrible night when he has a big quarrel with my mom, my sister and I were there. I was only around 5 or 6 years old on that day. He was really out of control to the point where he was slamming the closet door and throwing the television and DVD player onto the floor. I was extremely frightened. Me and my sister ran away to my bedroom and immediately locked the door. Years after, he often hit me or punched me in the face when I did bad things like forgot to do something for instance. The worst thing happened when he found out that I dated someone. He really did beat me up, and berated me with hurtful dirty words; ‘a dog’, ‘a slut’ and ‘a bitch’.

I feel..unbearably broken, I cried all night in my room with my sister accompanied me. I did not get out from my bedroom for 3 days. And I can never (until today) forgive my dad. My ex-boyfriend had hit me, how could my dad do the same thing?

I must admit that I always trying to keep a distance from him, until now.

To be continued.

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