Every time I feel happy, this same question frequently popped-up in my head: Do I genuinely feel happy?
Lately, I have been (over)thinking about such feeling that supposedly everyone in this world would like to have, happiness. People do miscellaneous actions to pursue such feeling regardless by good or bad deeds, nevertheless, the term good and bad is relative since it is according to one’s perspective. Some people are happy simply by laughing together with their beloved family and friends, while some other may only laugh over a sprawled heartbeat-less torso.
For me, I classified myself happy when I (am able to) feel happy without any perpetual bounded dependency towards any other person or people. Not in terms of friendship happiness, hence, don’t misunderstand me.
Then again, I find myself pursuing that happiness in different ways as the time flows by, as the year passed by, as the moments elapsed and as ‘lesson learned’ learned.
They change, eventually.
On my very first day of elementary school, one thing that I remember the most was that terrified feeling of being lost. I was extremely shy and afraid of people and huge crowds which why I always ended up sitting on the rearmost desk in class, alone. Although I terribly hate sitting there since I was unable to listen and understand clearly the entire lesson material. I still remember vividly one lesson that I dislike the most was the cursive writing lesson, simply because I suck at it. Hence, for that time, I feel happy when I was involved in group tasks where I was able to dare myself starting a conversation with some fellows sitting by the corner and made some acquaintances, let’s say. I feel happy when I finally managed to dare myself asking my teacher in order to master cursive writing properly.
My parents rarely escorted me to go to school because both of them are busy, I was (already) aware of that. My mom, especially, I know she was just started running her own company while her status is still (and always) an office worker, that time she was still a Marketing Manager and years after she moved to another company she was responsible as the company Director. Several years later, still when I was in Elementary School, my mom established another company which is a restaurant chain business, which urges her to write books about entrepreneurship. Apart from that, she also owns a small boutique chain in several department stores. Not to overlook, she is also part of numerous entrepreneur associations. So simply put, she is a mom, an office worker, an entrepreneur from two different companies, a writer of ten books, a boutique chain owner, and highly active in the miscellaneous (official) organization. Working from 7 till 20 or 21, what can I expect? During these days, my mom sent me to numerous different cram schools, she said it is important for me to discover my subjects of interest, what I genuinely like to do. She also mentioned that being busy and productive like her is a good thing, makes you an unordinary person. Well, it is not like I am terribly exhausted because of this, it is just sometimes my evenings gets lonely without my mom’s presence, even though I have a little sister and a maid whom I can talk to. After I finished school I went directly to my cram school, then had dinner at 19, and off to bed at 21–which is why I scarcely met my mom on those evenings. Many of my friends at school told me their moms could pick them up after school, bought them some gifts or new toys and had dinner with them, to be honest, I used to envy them. Hence, during those elementary school days, I was happy enough when my mom got home earlier and brought us some gifts, goods or food, even though frequently she only brought scrap papers from office (what can you expect?) and still considered that as an afterwork souvenir, lol. But that feeling eventually vanished as I entered junior high school.
Nevertheless, thanks to her now I know those pleasurable pastimes of mine which give me happiness.
On my third grade of elementary school, I used to get bullied as well with this little prick. She was like the class duchess, whenever she said to stay away from me, they did. She always told me what to do, in terms of her slave. Whenever I refused to do so, she will ‘hail’ the boys to beat me up, or sometimes I got beaten up by her as well and in the end, I always cried and my counseling teacher took care of the problem. So, got beaten up after I came home from school was nothing new at all until my mom discovered about it from my counseling teacher and (almost) sued her mom. Then again, the only thing that I regret was why wouldn’t I defense myself and fought back? I always feel so dumb whenever I thought about it. What I know was, her parents got divorced because her dad abused her mom, and her mom is also busy. Still, that is not what she supposed to do to overcome her sadness, because my parents often fight as well. Still, because of that I became terrified of this word called divorce, and in denial whenever my mom and dad get into an argument.
Therefore, during those days I was happy enough when that little prick was absent because of punishment from school or illness, and happy enough when my parents are in peace.
During my junior high school days, my mom and dad decided to escort me to go to school (almost) everyday, so they did because they said they felt sorry. Even though that feeling that I used to have had already gone, I still feel very grateful. My friends classified me as an averagely smart pupil with 8s and 9s, that is overwhelmingly obedient and will never break the rules, but also fairly outgoing with fellow pupils both from the same class or different classes, and happened to be very strong because I beat all strong guys on hand-wrestling. However, also starting from junior high school I suffered severe anorexia nervosa, but I must say I feel very happy when those digits in scale dropped lower and my uniform got bigger, it is my biggest source of happiness. I must say, it was completely the opposite feeling since before I was on diet, during my elementary school days, food was used to be my source of happiness, but now I came to hate it. I was a part of a softball team since I was obsessed with that food restriction lifestyle, and I always feel happy whenever I practiced softball n Wednesdays and Saturdays, I really like my coaches and my softball team. Apart from that, during my 8th grade, I discovered that I am in love with cooking which always gave me happiness every time I cooked on the evenings and for business purposes, and I kept on doing that until I graduated high school. I feel tremendously happy when someone ate the dishes that I cooked and they say it is delicious, that’s why.
Sincerely, junior high school days were the moments I was able to pursue happiness in almost everyday.
But things were not as okay as I used to think when I entered senior high school. I am aware that my parent’s relationship is not okay, but I always in denial before. They fought often, and sometimes the word divorce came out from their mouths, and it was nothing new, to be honest. However, this was the time where I found out that accepted that my mom is the one that paid (almost) all the bills, which means that explains everything why did they frequently fought and why I feel like I never had a maternal figure. Senior high school days were also the time when (most) teenagers are in their rebellious stage in finding their true identity, well said. To be honest, I was quite different since I already know my interest and which major will I choose later for college. My days are still filled with halcyon days, even though yes I suffer eating disorder, until another little prick, asshole is more suitable for a guy like him, appeared to my peaceful life.
Like I have told in my previous post, he just suddenly appeared to my life, chased after me and forced me to be his girlfriend. Well, it is not like I’m not interested in having a relationship, it is just I am not that desperate. I have my beloved friends that care for me, I know that involved a relationship is often troublesome. On the other hand, I was also not brave enough since my dad forbid me having a relationship before entering college, duh what a stupid rule. What I hate the most during those days with him was my dependency towards him, my happiness is dependent on his presence. When he was sweet and full of love I felt like I was the luckiest person on earth, while when he was rude and abusive, I was (terribly) terrified. Because of that, as I have previously told, I was always the one that begged forgiveness and conceded defeat to him, because he always showed his ace card by threatening me with this word called break up. I was horror-stricken and I cried a lot, meh I was such a loser. In the end, he dumped me simply due to boredom, where I realized I was merely his item, and which means all of my sacrifice for him went up in smoke. All of them are just false happiness.
Then again, that dependent-happiness feeling, I hate it. I hate it. I hate it, so much.
Today, on the present time, I am striving to be happy from the things that happened to me. Well, at least I try to. My life goal for now is to be independent in terms of various positive contexts, simply to make my parents proud and happy. But, oh well everything, every matters, require time and process and yet it is not simple either.
Therefore, after numerous kinds of moments and occurrence elapsed, from my point of view I found that happiness arises from yourself because you are enjoying your life and be grateful for what you have. I can simply be happy by reading comics and books, paint a picture, or cook mouth-watering dishes. Some other may have been enjoying nightlife, off to parties, but feel empty inside. While some other are separated from their parents due to a conflict between countries but still be able to smile and be grateful that they are still alive and survived with people they know.
Thenceforth, life is like a roller-coaster where it goes up and down, no need to be overreacted about it because it is simply the matter on how you enjoy it.