Don’t Let The Game Ends

Just don’t ever give up, because when you give up…the game is over.

-Top Ittipat


Failure. I used to be extremely terrified when I hear such word. Sometimes I missed those halcyon elementary and middle school days, where I lived with no excessive worries and anxieties, although I must say I suffered light anorexia nervosa. I’m a perfectionist person, therefore I always prepare everything, starting from daily school exams until holiday preparation, I’m a well-prepared person, why? like I said because I’m afraid of failure. For me, hard-work is my everything. Due to my fondness for cooking, I started to sell my own cooking (cheesecake, pizza, eclair, pasta, etc) since I was in 8th grade of middle school until the 11th grade of high school. What for? of course those are for additional money regarding my future study abroad fees. The money that I’ve earned I saved it as gold coins in my mom’s bank, 40 grams of gold in total.

My life, my point of view my principle changed because of what had happened back then in my first year of Senior High School. That period of time, I was suffering the most severe anorexia nervosa, but well that’s not the main problem actually, hence, it was because I met my first love at that time.

I’ve never been in love before so I don’t have any goddamn clue what will I ‘become’ when I fall in love. He’s my senior in my school. He was the one that approached me at first, he always followed me almost everywhere, although, he did not have many friends but we got closer in no time. When he confessed to me, I did reject him several times but he insisted on going out with me because he said he was serious about me. Well, I was still a stupid naive little brat that I believed all things that he said.

Things went perfectly well in our first months. I was tremendously enjoyed going out with him because we shared the same interest. I really have no clue at all that my oh-so-loving boyfriend will dump me and throw me away. Because I was too busy with him, I ignored all of my studies, and thus, I failed to enter the science class and being thrown away into the social class. That was the biggest failure in my life, and it was a very vivid moment that I scarcely could forget. What’s more? My boyfriend dumped me because he doesn’t want to have a girlfriend from the ‘lowly social class’, well fuck that shit, I cried for a couple of days–because it was painful, and that was the point that I realized that he’s actually an asshole. After that, bizarrely he wanted us to get back, and suddenly after a few months, he dumped me again, this time, he dumped me forever because he said he’s bored of me. You know what, that was the most painful jibe from someone in my 19 years life (well, that time I was still 16 yo). And yes, I cried again for two weeks long. And I’ve just successfully moved on from him after 2 years, ironic huh.

Hence, I moved to another Senior High School so I can enter the science class. I spent the rest of my senior high school days with studying, I hardly go hang-out with my friends. Another mistake that I made is that I was too focused on one dream with no other backup plan. Well, my dream is to go study abroad for my bachelor degree with full or partial scholarship, but at that time I was only applying for one scholarship application, Monbukagakusho precisely, no other backup plan. I spent my senior year by studying to prepare the upcoming National Examinations, and that was the most awful year in my life. I was so stressed up and my days are suffused with helter-skelter moments. Although I succeeded to earned good scores in the national exam, It was difficult for me to do the Monbukagakusho test, because it was an international standardized test. So, I failed the Monbukagakusho test, and I was extremely depressed for awhile, moreover my self-esteem dropped even lower. In the national standardized university entrance test (SBMPTN), I succeeded, and I was accepted in Padjadjaran University. I studied here for only 1 and a half semester. Truthfully, on my first days on campus, I almost gave up my biggest dream to go study abroad. As the time goes by, I made some good friends, and one day we were talking about our ‘Plan As’. Most of their plan as are to enroll to a medical school, and I honestly said that my plan A is to be able to go study abroad, and turns out, one of them really motivated me to pursue my dream indirectly, and so I got all fired up like I used to be.

In the next year, I applied for two scholarships, one in Japan and one in Netherlands. I also took the SAT Subject tests. Turns out, Japan declined me again but I was accepted at The Hague University of Applied Sciences, Netherlands. Come to think of it, maybe God thinks that Japan is not the best place for me. I couldn’t be happier when I was accepted with partial scholarship directly from the university.

Come to think of it, I’m very grateful that I’m a pertinacious and obstinate person when it comes to pursuing my dreams, any dreams! And today, I’ve just realized that in order to succeed on something, I’ve been through lots of failures, and that’s was….really a lesson for life. I can’t wait for my departure to Den Haag in August, this year!


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