I am wide awake, it is 2 in the morning
I can no longer control my feelings, you do
I can no longer control my tears falling, you do
How can I let you take control of myself?
Here I am, mourning at a sorrowful Cul-de-sac
Feeling so lost and worthless
Trying to let go of your superstitious promises and affection
Just one simple question for you, why did you leave me?
A Throwback to The Year 2012 and 2013.
It all started in the beginning of the year 2012. It was after I visited a Japanese Manga and Anime event held in Jakarta with my since-junior-highschool best friend. Without any tiniest bit of presupposition, he followed me on Twitter. It was the most commonly used social media in that period. Certainly, I was puzzled. All I knew about him was he’s my senior since Junior Highschool, and he’s terribly freak. For politeness reason toward a senior, I followed him back. Afterward, he messaged me and asked my Blackberry PIN, again, for politeness reason I shared my Blackberry PIN. I always wondering what would happen If I never pressed that follow button.
I never had genuine feelings for him, it was only for someone in my class called Mr. Possible, you can read the post about him in here.
He started the very first conversation, and his character was a total contradictory according to what I have imagined. I did concern about his social condition since he was an outcast. I thought he was an awkward, shy and silent person. Turns out, he was tremendously talkative, and he really showed me that he liked me, and had a crush on me. He was an absolute stalker, he always knew in which class I was currently attending, and he even knew where I lived. He was really persistent on making me as his girlfriend. He chased me like hell. Still, I have no feelings for him (yet).
One Friday, one of my friends made a fun of him by saying I have dated Mr. Possible, which freaked him out. Abruptly, he confessed his feelings and asked me to date him instead. I rejected him. But he did not give up, he even terrorized me with whatever he can do, until finally when he threatened me after a Sunday Cycling event, I accepted him, it was the 18th of March 2012 that he became my boyfriend.
I had to go through a hard time quarreling with my friends because they were totally against it. Including that Mr. Possible. Even my teachers were concerned, because of his notorious reputation for being a shitty boyfriend.
The thing is, back then, I had no clue what I will become when I fall in love. It is always been my principle that I’m taking a relationship seriously. I have said to him, If you don’t want to be serious with me, then don’t go out with me. With that sweet voice of him, he said he’s being absolutely serious with me. He had told me about his broken relationship with his jerky ex-girlfriend, and I totally regretted feeling sorry for him.
The first 4 months was precisely like living in a heaven alone with him. He treated me a princess, and he was crazy about me. I gave all attention just for me. I really often went out with him during the weekends. Every second, minutes, hours and day without him felt like living in hell instead. He really often patted my head, he knew I liked it. That 4 months marked the moment I began to deeply in love with him. I was drowned into his false affection, forgetting the life and responsibilities I have.
Then, bitterness was approaching.
He started to reveal his true colors more boldly, where it marked the beginning of my tearful days. He was unbearably short-tempered, jealousy, childish and rude. I never ever started the spat, he easily got angry at almost everything. He somehow forbids me to hang out with my friends. He even got mad when I adored my favorite Manga character. That’s just ridiculous. But, the old angel-hearted me always been so patient with him and begged for his forgiveness. If in most relationships, guys are the one who’s like that, it’s the other way around for me. He often shouted at me, and I started to open up my eyes when he hit me. He really did had an abusive boyfriend side. I was broken.
Things got worse as I failed to enter the Science Class.
It was obvious since I dated him, I forgot that I have to enter the Science Class, which I failed to. He abruptly broke our relationship because he said he does not want a Social-Class-girlfriend. It can’t be more ridiculous since he’s the variable of the reason why I failed. That was the worst evening in my life, failed to enter the Science Class, I lost my boyfriend and my parents were in a rage.
Ever since that point, things went even more fucked up. He often (couple of times, indeed) broke our relationship because he was bored of me. Bored, he said. That was the worst contempt ever, it was as if you are a mere disposable toy. Subsequently, asked to go back again, he was an absolute labile jerk. My days are filled with even more tears.
Of course, I must fix my crippled life.
Since I can only learn from the past for a better future, I moved to another school in order to be in the Science Class, otherwise, I cannot pursue my dream studying Food Technology in college.
We were still in a crippled relationship, until, he repeated that for the third time I refused to go back as his girlfriend, and blocked every social media I have with him. He chased me again, until like three times, and the third time was when he went to my house but luckily I was not home. I was just wondering what made he thinks that I am going to accept him again, I am not having another hellish life with him.
He may think that I will be in love with him forever, but he was mistaken in two things. I am not a labile jerk like him, I am not repeating the same ridiculous mistake, and my genuine feelings is not for him to begin with.
You said good-bye on a corner
That I thought led to the straight.
You set me on a firmly laid and simple course
Then removed the road.
(from Many Too Many by Genesis)